Recollections of the ol' Daily Grind

So far Fall has been mostly a great success in terms of experimenting with my diet and postop exercise routines.  "Something has changed within me, something is not the same..."  I feel as though with each diet and exercise experiment that goes moderately successfully I gain more courage, a more rooted feeling of a "normal" self and body, and some of that sense of being a porcelain doll fades.  A trusted surgeon of mine from the early years of this medical disaster gave me great words of wisdom once.  He told me that it was natural to be afraid and tentative about my body and its mind of its own, but that the further I got from the actual surgery, the more life that happened, the less afraid I'd be and the more like myself I'd feel.  Well, he was right then and his words apply now too.  

We are approaching 8 months postop next week and entering into holiday season.  Last year at this time I was still politely declining well-intentioned offers of food from unassuming friends and acquaintances.  I was still packing up my little Pottery Barn lunchbox with protein shakes, Benecalorie, digestive enzymes and water everywhere we went since I knew I had to make certain calorie marks every day or I'd lose more weight.  I had to take in a sip (and I mean a sip or all hell would break loose in my body) every ten minutes in order to reach those calorie marks...all...day...long.  It'd take about an hour to finish any one "meal," if you will.  I would start my day with a good ol' fashioned cup of coffee at home just to feel like, sure I am a normal person starting her day just like everyone else.  Then I'd drink one of my "snob waters" as my dad affectionately referred to my Fiji water addiction!  This would take me until about the drive to work.  That's when I'd start my breakfast shake which I made at home and put into a travel stainless steel mug with TONS of ice praying that the cold would dampen the disgusting smell and flavor of the Metagenics meal replacement prescribed to me by my GI dietician and naturopathic physician.   This one went more slowly since I loathed it!  It smelled and tasted like a high school boys' locker room after Friday Night Lights! UGH! Gross.  I'd lift the tumbler to sip and that awful odor would penetrate my nostrils and instantly trigger my gag reflex and nausea response.  I'd fight the feeling of nausea rising in.  Fight, Darcy, fight.  You have to do this.  And so I'd sip.  Every last ounce.  Pushing down the nausea.  Holding my nose.  I was lucky I didn't vomit it all up! Then onto another hour of Fiji to move it all through my digestive system as thinly as possible in a desperate attempt to prevent my strictured intestine rebelling against the sheer volume and rate of ingestion.  It was exhausting.  Truly exhausting.  By now it'd be lunchtime.  NO! Give me a break universe.  So in an effort to feel like a normal person and take in calories and protein without it feeling like torture, I'd get a venti mocha, or seasonal drink, at Starbucks WITH WHIP thank you very much!  I'd add my liquid protein packs to it to legitimize it as a "meal" and simply enjoy it.  Savor it.  For as long as I could.  Most of my other liquids took an hour, but not my beloved Starbucks.  Nope! I'd nurse that baby all afternoon just to actually enjoy something for once a day!   Then another Fiji round which usually brought me to the end of the school day.  On my roughly half hour drive home from work, I'd start my preferred shake of the day, prepackaged Odwalla dairy and soy protein shakes.  My favorite flavor was (still is) strawberry, but vanilla and blueberry would do.    Insert Fiji (again).  Then full time job #2 - mom!  Drive to activities.  Empty backpacks. Clean and disinfect everything with alcohol wipes since I live in constant fear of getting the stomach bug since vomiting for me almost always meant another intestinal obstruction and yet another ER trip. Nooooo!  Homework.  Showers. Pack lunches for next day. ...and feel the anxiety start to build that this day was coming to a close and I'd have to find the energy, strength and desire to trudge through it all again tomorrow..... 

Then cook dinner.  Yes.  I cooked dinner - every night - for my husband and children.  I actually perfected the art of cooking just by smell.  I have always been quite a chef, but this limitation of not being able to try anything actually took my abilities to a whole new level.  I'd research new seasonal recipes.  Plan out the weekly dinner menu.  Enjoy walking through Whole Foods to shop for new and different ingredients.  We spent a fortune between my specialized diet and my insistence that the family eat all organically! Somehow, these actions were therapeutic for me.  I was deliberate in my choices of meals - thought about what I'd want to eat if I could do so - all a desperate effort to minimize the awkward feelings of sitting at the table together with only three of us with a plate in front of us.  I'd pour a glass of Italian wine (bonus!) and we'd sit together and talk about our roses and thorns of the day.  I tried so hard to keep family mealtimes just that - normal - which worked most of the time.  Every now and then one of the kids would ask me if I felt embarrassed when we were out at a restaurant and the server asked me what I'd like.  No.  I actually didn't feel awkward.  I'd order a glass of wine or an iced tea or a water with lemon and simply respond, "I'm all set, thanks."  I truly didn't feel awkward...or angry...or sad... it was simply just how it was. My fellow restaurant-goers, however, I don't think ever got used to it.  

You all know princess Positivity believes in the saying, "It is what it is but it will become what you make it." So.... I made it what I wanted it to be for everyone involved.  No.  Big.  Deal. ...at least I tried like hell to.  And for all intents and purposes - we looked to the outside world like a typically functioning family.  I quietly took pride in acquaintances' and friends' comments that they had no idea I was sick since I was doing such a great job at creating the SuperWoman facade.  I was working so hard to be SuperWoman that sometimes it helped me to forget just how fragile I really was.

Ah.  But I digress a little. 

A year ago I was still desperately clinging to the anti-spasmodic medication as if it were actually making any goddamn difference in my intestines' bipolar disorder and I was still fighting like hell...every damn day...all day to just put one foot in front of the other.  It was exhausting!  Jesus! was it exhausting!  What a difference a year makes! Seriously.

So.... while some friends of mine (power to y'all - seriously!) are on a cleanse and avoiding things like sugar and alcohol this fall, I am embracing all the Fall flavors I can get my hands (and tastebuds) on!  It's been two whole season cycles since I've been able to enjoy the tastes of Fall and OMG are they delectable!   I always made my mom apple crisp as her birthday dessert each October, but this year I was actually able to eat it "for the first time in forever!"   Even before the strict liquid diet my condition caused me to be on a restricted diet that was increasingly limited over the last decade or so.  So this was something special!  Damn! I still got it, I thought as I took my first bite of that apple crisp this year (all organic of course!).  Mmmm, warm.  Mmmm, sweet, yet tart.  Ah! There it is --- the crunch of the topping. Wow! Did I miss this!  To say that there was a celebration in my mouth doesn't even come close to describing how it felt!

Eight months postop I'm also enjoying some other favorites from my past that have been elusive for that decade plus.  Warm roasted beets with goat cheese over arugula and tri-colored baby carrots with a little organic olive oil and balsamic vinegar.... holy mackerel! I warm it briefly in the microwave just because it feels better to do so...but the point is that I ate it! Thank you universe!  We are starting to reunite!  

So...Fall.... leaves are changing colors and falling from the trees. Despite the weather being bipolar here in New England, football, Fall soccer and Fall fun abound in every direction.  Flavors and scents of pumpkin and apple are everywhere!  This little but fierce mama is taking it all in and savoring every single second!  Most importantly -- I am pausing with a grateful heart.  A year ago I had hoped moments like these were in my future, but honestly I was too scared to think too far ahead since everything seemed so bleak.  Eight months postop looks and feels pretty good.  If things never even got any better than this, it all still would've been a success and TOTALLY worth it.   But, my followers know me - Princess Positivity reigns strong!  It WILL still improve and I will still be here cheering the rest of those who suffer on because I want to give back --- health and wellness are possible --- I am proof that if we commit to ourselves, advocate for ourselves, have courage and conviction and treat our bodies with they respect they deserve -- we CAN be well.  We each have our own personal journeys to take to get there, our own dragons to slay and demons to conquer; but take heart that health, wellness and happiness are possible if YOU CHOOSE to create and own them for yourself.

Stay Fierce, Friends! Thanks for reading!

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